December 10,
2008
Column #1,424
"The Love Dare" - A Marriage Builder
by Mike McManus
Brothers Stephen and Alex Kendrick are not just Associate Pastors at Sherwood
Baptist Church in Albany, GA. They also produced a popular film, "Fireproof,"
whose characters are largely church members, that has attracted 5 million
viewers. It is still in 499 theaters.
So, it should be no surprise that the brothers have also written a best-selling
book, "The Love Dare," bought by 1.3 million readers. However, it is
astonishing.
The subject of the book, like the film, is the fragility of marriage - and what
can be done to strengthen it. This is a message that Hollywood never would
dream up. It either reduces love to sexuality, or, at best, has a message to
"follow your heart."
A pastor has a more elevated conception of love. He knows the Bible verse, "the
heart is more deceitful than all else" (Jeremiah 17.9).
The Kendricks dare you to "think differently - choosing instead to lead your
heart toward that which is best in the long run. This is a key to lasting,
fulfilling relationships," they write.
"The Love Dare" was originally simply a plot device in "Fireproof," which is
about Caleb Holt, a firefighter, who saves victims from burning buildings, but
who can't save his own marriage. He feels helpless in the drift toward divorce,
until he gets a call from his father, who says, "Hold off on the divorce for 40
days," and gives him "The Love Dare" book, which outlines a new way Caleb can
love his wife on a daily basis for 40 days.
When the movie was made, the Kendrick brothers had written only three of the 40
days. Sensing that the film would create a demand for the book, they quickly
wrote it. Each day has three key elements:
1. Each begins with an exploration of a unique aspect of love, designed to
challenge the reader in very practical ways to think about what it means to
genuinely love someone.
2. Readers are given a specific dare, a challenge to love their mate in some
special way.
3. Finally there is space to journal how one responds to the dare, and then how
one's spouse reacts. It records progress.
Unconditional love is always promised at the wedding and is heartfelt at the
time. However, as marriages are lived, romantic hope is often replaced with
disappointment as each spouse often builds a separate life. Spouses tend to be
taken for granted and feel neglected, which can lead to misunderstandings and
conflict. Result: half of marriages end in divorce.
However, "The Love Dare" offers husbands and wives a fresh way to understand and
practice unconditional love. "Learning to truly love is one of the most
important things you will ever do," the brothers write.
For example, they assert that love is built on two pillars: patience and
kindness.
"Love is patient. Love is kind," begins that most famous of all passages on
love in I Corinthians 13::4. Are you naturally patient? Iit requires an act of
the will. As they write, "You can choose to have a long fuse instead of a quick
temper. No one likes to be around an impatient person."
The writing is often eloquent: "Patience, however, makes us wise. It doesn't
rush to judgment but listens to what the other person is saying...As sure as a
lack of patience will turn your home into a war zone, the practice of patience
will foster peace and quiet. `A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow
to anger calms a dispute," says Proverbs 14:29.
"Patience is where love meets wisdom. And every marriage needs that combination
to stay healthy."
Their Love Dare on patience recommends, "The next day, resolve to demonstrate
patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all."
In marriage seminars my wife and I conduct, we go further, saying, "For every
criticism, you need to give ten compliments."
While patience sidesteps problems, "kindness is love in action," which creates a
blessing for the other person. Everyone loves being around a kind person. The
authors see four core ingredients of kindness:
One is gentleness. A kind person is sensitive, who knows how to speak the truth
in love. Another is helpfulness. A kind person quickly meets any perceived need
such as housework.
Another ingredient in kindness is willingness, an agreeable spirit who looks for
ways to compromise and accommodate, rather being obstinate or stubborn.
Finally, a kind person takes initiative, reaches out to others, and is the first
to forgive.
"The Love Dare" is an ideal Christmas gift for any married couple or one
considering marriage.
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