February 20, 2014
Column #1,695
How Stepfamilies Can Be Successful
By Mike McManus
Perhaps half of all marriages involve one partner who was previously married.
If children are involved, 70% of stepfamilies will divorce, putting everyone
through another trauma.
However, four of five of these marriages can be saved.
Why do so many of these marriages fail? “Putting together or integrating a
stepfamily is one of the most difficult tasks for any family in America today.
Integrating involves combining two unique family styles, various personalities
and preferences, differing traditions, pasts and loyalties,” writes Ron Deal, in
his must-read book on this subject, “The Smart Step-Family.”
“Yet most people make the decision to bring two families together without
consulting the instructions (God’s Word)…Blinded with a well-intentioned
ignorance, couples march down the aisle a second or third time, only to discover
that the building process is much more difficult than they anticipated – and the
rewards are few and far between, especially at the beginning,” Deal writes.
All children in stepfamilies suffered a major loss when their parents divorced.
Usually they get little help with their emotional struggle because parents are
immersed in their own emotions.
In time, however, the children form a deep bond with the parent whom they live
with. They almost become “pals,” who enjoy sharing their lives together.
However, if either parent re-marries, the child experiences a new kind of grief
– the loss of an intimate relationship between parent and child. “I liked having
Dad to myself when I go over there. We weren’t alone the entire weekend,” said
Amy.
Two years later her mother remarried, and Amy experienced grief all over again
–“the loss of the relationship she had developed with her parents. While the
divorce was extremely traumatic for Amy, their remarriages were equally
difficult. She had adapted to the divorce by becoming close friends with each of
her parents. Now each of them had someone else and did not need her for
emotional support anymore,” writes Rev. Dick Dunn in his book “Willing to Try
Again: Steps Toward Blending a Family,” another excellent book.
The frequent reaction of children is open hostility: “I don‘t want a new Mom,”
she says to her stepmother. “You’re the wicked stepmother!”
That can drive the stepmom right out of that marriage.
Alternatively, the biological parent often fails to see or understand the
hostility of their child toward the new spouse. They tend to think their spouse
is not being considerate.
The issue is compounded when both spouses bring children into the marriage. That
multiplies the potential for conflict – between the children as well as between
the children and stepparents, and between husband and wife over the children.
The first answer is to stop calling these families “blended families,” when in
fact they are not blending but in seemingly perpetual conflict. The euphemism is
misleading.
The most important solution is for a church to create a Stepfamily Support
Group, the first of which was created by Dick Dunn, a Methodist pastor. In such
a group, couples immediately realize “It’s not us. It’s the situation.” Each
person understands that it is not a matter that “My spouse needs to change.”
Rather, both realize, “We have a problem that we can work on together. Our
struggles are normal because stepfamilies are different.”
Dunn tells of a couple who came to their group after they had already separated
and filed for divorce. “As we listened to them talk and describe their
situation, there was frequent laughter and smiles because every one of us had
been there. Frequently, someone would say, “Sounds normal to me. You’re not
crazy. You live in a stepfamily.” That very week the couple moved back together.
They figured if these people can make it, so could they.
Dunn wrote a manual on how to create a Stepfamily Support Group. First, select
five couples, at least four of whom need it to save their marriages. This
Planning Team should be couples married less than four years and be willing to
meet six times over two-three months. “It will be one of the most exciting
things they have ever done,” he writes.
He outlines what should happen at each meeting, the first of which begins with a
prayer to God admitting “that we do not know what we are doing. But we see a
need for a ministry with stepfamilies. Show us the way.”
A kit to create a Stepfamily Support Group includes the Manual, “Willing To Try
Again,” a chapter of which is read by couples before each meeting, plus a CD by
Dunn. Cost: $35. Call 301 469-5873.
Results: His Stepfamily Support Groups saved 80% of these marriages, instead of
losing 70%.
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