Ethics & Religion
February 24, 2016
Column #1,800
Committed Couples - Not Counselors - Save Crisis
Marriages
By Mike McManus
Has your
marriage ever been so troubled that you or your spouse considered
divorce? I'm writing a book on how to save marriages in crisis, and
would like to quote readers willing to answer the following questions by
writing me at Mike@MarriageSavers.org. If you do not want your name
used, make up one.
-
What was
your marriage crisis? Did you save it?
-
What did
you do, or what did God do, to help?
-
Did you
see a professional counselor? If so, did he/she recommend divorce?
-
Did you
divorce?
-
If so,
are you glad you did? How about your kids?
This column
will offer a proven solution to the most daunting problem in America -
the disintegration of marriage. In 2014 there were 2.26 million
marriages, but 1.08 million divorces. This 48% divorce rate is triple
that of Britain or France. Further, there's been a 57% decline in the
U.S. marriage rate since 1970.
Most pastors refer marriages in crisis to counselors. However, "Covenant
Marriage," a book researching 300 troubled marriages who saw a counselor
came to a startling conclusion: "Couples who receive marital counseling
(during marriage) are substantially more likely to divorce than couples
who forego this option...Marital counseling is associated with at least
three times higher odds of separation and divorce."
In 1990 I wrote a column about a better answer developed by Rev. Dick
McGinnis, an Episcopal priest who asked a question your pastor could
ask: "Are there couples here whose marriages have been on the rocks, but
who have successfully come off of them - couples who have been in
extreme difficulty and have threatened divorce - but who are in
recovery? If so, I'd like to meet with you after the service."
To his surprise, out of 180 people in church 10 couples showed up. He
confessed to them, "I have more work than I can handle in marriage
counseling. There is no way to keep up with it. I prayed about it. What
came to me was that I was not to look at the problem, but at the
solution."
"That triggered in my mind how Alcoholics Anonymous got started. There
were not only two people trying to help each other stay sober, but there
were two clergy who got involved - a Catholic and an Episcopalian. Out
of it came the 12 steps of AA that have helped millions stay sober.
"I want to meet with you over a period of time to see if there is
anything of a common nature you had to do for your marriage to be
restored. You'll have to share openly and deeply. It may be
embarrassing. But I want to see if God has a way of re-establishing
marriages."
The group wrote a foundational principle: "Through other Christians'
testimony and personal example, we found hope for our marriage." Susan
Smitha explained: "It is the sharing of what is going on in your life
with people who have been there and can understand. It makes you feel
less like a freak. It takes away the loneliness where you feel you are
the only one going through this."
Over the next 18 months they wrote down 16 other M&Ms or "Marriage
Ministry" principles common to the recovery of their marriages. Equally
important, they began working with other couples in crisis and found the
M&Ms transplantable.
What are some other M&Ms? Three are related to a "Commitment to God:"
-
I
experienced God's love and forgiveness.
-
I made a
decision/commitment to love Christ, mate and self.
-
Once
obedient to God we were able to love my His standards, not ours.
Lowell
Weddington and his wife were not Christians and had enormous problems
communicating. "We tried humanistic answers: `I'm Ok. You're OK.'
Nothing worked. So we said, why not try God? We went to church and were
born again. We realized the Lord really loved us and we began to love
ourselves."
Other M&Ms involve a "Commitment to Partner:"
-
We/I
made a decision to stay together.
-
We/I
accepted my mate as he/she is.
The most
important others were:
-
I
realized the problem was with myself.
-
I became
aware I needed to change, became willing to change, learned what and
how to change, and began to change with God's help.
Over 5
years, the seven couples met with 40 marriages in crisis and saved 38 of
them! I wrote a column about this innovation, sparking 1,500 letters to
Rev. McGinnis.
A rewarding response!
Please write your reactions to my questions above and I'll send you all
17 M&Ms.
Copyright (c) 2016 Michael J. McManus is
President of Marriage Savers and a syndicated columnist.
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