Ethics & Religion
Column #1,871
July 6, 2017
Second of a two-part series
Don't Divorce - Part II
By Mike McManus
Some
church members seem almost determined to divorce. They are unhappy and
think that if they end their marriage, they can find a better mate. What
should a pastor say to them? Or what should he say to a spouse whose
partner wants out?
First, pastors should urge both spouses to read an important new book by
Diane Medved, Don't Divorce: Powerful Arguments for Saving and
Revitalizing Your Marriage.
However, since few people buy books these days, here's what the pastor
might say, based on the author's advice: "No matter how strong your
desire for divorce at the moment, please consider that you could be
making a mistake, especially if your partner is committed to you and
wants to make your marriage satisfying for both of you."
If your partner wants to leave, ask some questions: "What can I or we do
to make our marriage more satisfying to you? Are you attracted to
someone else? What can I improve about my habits or behavior that would
show you I value you?"
Dr. Medved argues that "In divorce, emotions trump logic. So if you want
to stop the divorce, you'll need to appeal on an emotional level...In
marriage, there's a continuum from dire misery to ecstasy." She urges
you to take small incremental changes, and ask your partner if he/she
sees improvements. Increase the number of favorable emotions, gestures
and interchanges. Increase the percentage of your time together that is
close and supportive.
For example, have a weekly date - doing something you both enjoy. Every
Friday, my daily newspaper publishes Weekend, a special
section promoting costly theater and music productions. However, there
is one page called The Guide to the Lively Arts which
lists free events, usually held in churches. It might be a
pianist and cellist, or four saxophones playing classical music. The
Maryland State Boychoir of 70 boys sang a wide range of songs.
Here are other reasons to avoid divorce. First, it is hazardous to your
health. An analysis of 32 studies reported that divorcees had a 23%
greater chance of dying during the survey period, and for men, a 31%
higher risk.
Second, "financially, divorce is a lose-lose proposition," Medved
asserts. One economist reported that "Divorce reduces a person's wealth
by about three-quarters compared to that of a single person, while being
married almost doubles comparative wealth." Thus, a married person is
worth double a single person, but a divorced person's wealth is just a
quarter of that!
If there are no children, divorce simply entails a division of assets.
If children are involved, there is also a division of time and money far
into the future. Holidays, birthdays and family celebrations require
planning.
More important, divorce is a disaster for kids. They tend to blame
themselves for the breakup, and feel shut out by separating parents.
Split loyalty is agony. Children of divorce do poorly in school, suffer
anxiety, stress and low self-esteem, are less likely to finish high
school and are three times more likely to be expelled than kids from
intact homes.
They are more apt to be juvenile delinquents and to live in poverty
because incomes for non-poor mothers and children declines by 50% after
divorce. They are less likely to move up the income ladder as adults.
Only 26% with divorced parents move up to the middle or top third as
adults, compared to 50% of children with intact parents. They are also
more likely to commit suicide.
Divorce robs children of a triple birthright - security, wonder and
optimism - that equips them to venture forth to a challenging world.
"From this motivation you can rekindle the love and romance that brought
you and your partner together to create them," Medved writes.
In her landmark book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce,
Judith Wallerstein interviewed 131 children from 60 divorced families
over 25 years, with intensive interviews every five years. She was
surprised to discover that repercussions of divorce hit hardest when
children became adults.
They had a tougher time forming intimate relationships. Only 40%
eventually married, half the general population's rate, and they were
more likely to divorce.
Often adult children of divorce "are depressed and defeated." And angry.
One asked, "Did I want them to divorce? Did I like taking orders from my
stepfather? Did my dad want me around? Did my mother ask me before she
got a whole new family? Who listened to me? Who helped me grow up?"
Therefore, Medved asserts, "Staying together for their welfare is
perhaps the most important stand a married couple can take for their
children's future."
___________________________________
Copyright (c) 2017 Michael J. McManus,
President of Marriage Savers and a syndicated columnist. For previous
columns go to
www.ethicsandreligion.org. Hit
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